When teamwork is important at work, it can be hard to balance individual needs with the needs of the group. This is especially true when coworkers have different personal situations, like having different family responsibilities. One woman asks for help with a problem at work: should someone who doesn’t have kids have to give up their vacation days so that coworkers who do have kids can have more time off?
In a letter, Sarah told us that she was in the middle of a conflict at work.
“Four of my coworkers have kids, but I don’t.” They would often talk about PTA meetings, soccer games, and family trips on the weekends, and I would just nod along, not knowing what to say in these conversations about being a parent. I chose not to have children and never felt like I had to defend my choice, but it seemed to make things worse between me and the rest of the team.
“Our business lets people sell their vacation days to other people.” During the summer, my coworkers asked me to give up my annual leave so that they could all use it. “We’ve been talking, and we’d like to know if you’d be willing to sell us some of your annual leave days,” they said. Since you don’t have any kids, you could do that. It would be helpful.
“I was shocked and angry at the same time.” I already had vacation plans, and the fact that I don’t have kids doesn’t mean I can’t take a break. I didn’t know what to say, so I just smiled and said, “I’ll think about it.”
It wasn’t the first time Sarah had helped her coworkers, but this time they went too far.
“I’ve been making shifts for free around Christmas and other holidays so they can spend time with their kids.” But I thought they were going too far this time. This request made me feel like it was getting into my private life. How I spend my free time shouldn’t depend on how hard it is for them to balance work and child care. Why should I give up my well-earned vacation days just because I don’t have kids? I thought it wasn’t fair.
“After a couple of hours, when I got home, I saw angry texts on our work chat.” “Sarah, we thought you’d be more understanding!” my coworkers said to start the conversation. It’s not fair to save up your vacation days; we’re all in this together!
Sarah wasn’t ready for her coworkers to have such a hostile response.
“I took a deep breath and then spoke.” “I’m sorry if that makes you feel bad, but I can use my annual leave however I want.” I work as hard as everyone else, and I enjoy my time off. That’s not fair to ask me to give up my leave just because I don’t have kids. I understand your situation.
“They answered quickly, and each one was more angry than the last.” They said I wasn’t working with others and didn’t understand how hard it is to be a parent. But I couldn’t help but think, “I shouldn’t have to be responsible for their choice to have kids.”
“I tried to defend my point of view, but my arguments seemed to make things even worse.” Is it wrong for me to refuse to give up my vacation just because I don’t have kids?”
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